#1: Liking Black Sabbath
Liking Black Sabbath, to any degree, is the most essential key to being metal. Black Sabbath invented metal in 1970 with their self-titled debut, and the metal train (or shovel-headed killing machine for you Exodus fans) has been a rollin' ever since. While the Ozzy era is the most metal of them all (minus Technical Gaystacy and Never Say Gay), any Sabbath album that features Toni Iommi (aka The Godfather of Metal) on the axe is legitimate. Here is a list of Black Sabbath albums featuring Toni Iommi:
-All of them
#2: Black, Camo, & Leather
Of all the colors in the Celestial Spheres, the most metal of them all is black. Black represents many key metal aesthetics, such as hatred for humanity and embracing evil. Black is a trademark symbol of the Metalhead, it is to be displayed proudly, in any and all weather conditions.
Camo is the close secondary attire choice for the true Metalhead. Not only does it stand out when not used for its initial purpose (see above note about displaying your metalness proudly), but it represents war, which is very metal (to be discussed later on). Camo is often combined with black for ultimate metalness.
Leather has been metal ever since Judas Priest, and now the metal world is obsessed with the concept. Leather represents dominance (killing another animal and wearing it on your back? Of course), as well as lack of sympathy towards the feelings of lessors (you killed another animal just to wear it on your back? Absolutely).
#3: Long Hair or No Hair
Having long hair is metal for a very simple reason: you can headbang with it. Headbanging to your favorite metal is extremely metal (to be discussed later). The next best thing is to go razor skin bald. Cropped haircuts are dumb and very unmetal. And if you're an older Metalhead or the unfortunate bearer of bad genes, why not do both? (aka Skullets).
#4: Metal Horns!
Hippies wave peace signs, Nazis pointed their arms in the air, and Metalheads have their metal horns. For those yet unlearned, the metal horns motion involves folding in the thumb, middle and ring finger on your hand, and pointing outward in a parallel fashion the pinky and index finger. The position of the hand is not important, whether the wrist faces the body or faces the outside, there isn't much difference. The only key to correctly displaying the metal horns is to make sure you DO NOT KEEP THE THUMB POINTED OUT WITH YOUR OTHER FINGERS. As more commonly known, the symbol shown by extending the thumb, index and pinky finger is "I love you", a sentiment VERY different from that of the metal horns. Showing love is very unmetal, (to be discussed later) and not to be confused with the metal horns. Metal horns are appropriate in many situations, ranging from daily use (acknowledging a friend or fellow metalhead), to use at shows (when there is hardly a situation that arises that DOESN'T call for flashing your horns). As well, when someone says "Hail Satan", the standard response is to return the sentiment and flash your metal horns. (More on that later).
#5: Death
Death is so metal that Chuck Schuldiner (the Father of Death Metal) could not help but call his groundbreaking band just that: Death. Besides this band being the spark of the eventual Death Metal flame, Death as a concept is extremely metal. Death is dark, mysterious, and powerful. It overtakes everything at one point or another, and strikes terror into all those subject to it. Very metal. Many true Metalheads have paid homage to death through music and lyric, and many study to gain knowledge of it. Death is ultimately the most metal subject to talk about if you're in a metal band (more on this later).
#6: Elitism
Compared to the world around, metal is indeed its own universe. From the outside, Metalheads are often viewed as non-functioning, disturbed members of society. From the inside, Metalheads often view the rest of the world as idiotic and obsessed with frivolous things such as being successful and having lots of friends. And as Metalheads, it is our job to make sure that this is vocalized at all opportunities. Why? Because Metalheads are better than everyone else, because we listen to metal. Morbid Angel trumps Kanye West all day everyday, and anyone who thinks otherwise is hideously stupid. Metal elitism is necessary to defend metal against those untrue. (To be discussed later).
#7: Staying True
There is much metal in the metal world, this much is true. Whether you stick with good old fashioned heavy metal or prefer the hyper fast blasts of grind, there is an endless quantity of mixed and matched metal music to explore and enjoy. However, when exploring the infinite chambers of metal sound, you must beware of untrue metal. There does exist metal that is metal by nature (the sound), but is not metal in principle (the attitude). Metal is the most awesome and kickass form of music that exists, and it must not be misused. Often the metal sound is used to gain notoriety and drugs like cocaine to snort off the asses of hookers in expensive hotel rooms. Perpetrators of untrue metal seek to become mainstream for reasons like these. Metal may BECOME mainstream (because of its awesomeness being recognized), but it must never be the sole reason for playing metal. Metal is anti-mainstream in principle, and anything contradicting that is untrue. Succeeding in metal is not untrue, in fact, dominating is very metal, but your attitude must remain untainted by untrue influence. While there are obvious untrue perpetrators (Avenged Sevenfold and whoever kidnapped the real Metallica back in the 90's), for the most part, a Metalhead must use their innate metal sense to guide them in the exploration of metal sound. One of the most important goals of the Metalhead is to remain true in the metal he enjoys, and while this may sound like a limiting rule, it is not, for there is no shortage of true metal in all different types of metal sound.
#8: Headbanging
There is not a more horrid waste of metal than to sit still while listening to it. There is no metal without headbanging! When you hear that riff, the drums pounding out blasts at 250 bpm, the vocalist defacing those untrue, you must bang your head! That rush of energy must not be kept inside. Windmill that mop motherfucker! As Fenriz of mighty Darkthrone put it, DESTROY THEIR MODERN METAL, NOW BANG YOUR FUCKING HEAD!
#9: Metal Brotherhood
As mentioned previously, the metal world is really its own universe. And as such, Metalheads must seek to strengthen the bond of brotherhood within the ranks (sisterhood for all our female Metalheads as well!). True Metalheads know that the only separation is between the True and Untrue, not between those True. Those True are forever linked because of their shared love for metal, and we must never allow for petty disagreements to separate Metalheads! Only those Untrue must be dealt with harshly! Remember metal brethren (sistren also!), we are the CHILDREN OF THE GRAVE! We must unite!
#10: Not Being A Poser
It is most important in regards to the rules of metal that one distinguishes between those who are metal and those who try to be metal. While we have gathered together the ten most essential guidelines for metalness, it is of the utmost importance that it is understood that BEING METAL CANNOT BE FORCED. There comes a time when one hears metal for the first time, and they might not like it at first. But if that person comes back again and again, and over time grows to love metal, then they have become metal. The rest comes naturally. The metal world unfortunately is fraught with posers, those who try to act metal because they think they will be cool by pretending to be metal. They do not understand that metal is not a simple act, it is a lifestyle. A lifestyle that one embraces until they cannot be separated from it. It is not a sad departure from an average life of pop music and shitty trends, it is a refreshing and completely genuine way of living. It is a one time choice, and from then on one can not help from doing it. It is involuntary, just like breathing. A TRUE METALHEAD CANNOT HELP BUT TO BE METAL.
Hail Satan! \m/
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